The Library | Write to Sir Charles | Cast of Characters | Credits | This Week

February 9, 1998

Visitor Questionnaire Thank you for visiting the estate of Blandsdown, home of Sir Charles Grandiose, in picturesque Fishampton, ------shire. In order that we may make future visits pleasurable for our guests, we hope you will take some time to fill out this short questionnaire. 1. I decided to tour this stately home because: ( ) Georgian facades and deer parks simply fascinate me. ( ) My tour bus stopped here, so I figured, 'what the hell.' ( ) There's nothing else to do in this godforsaken town. 2. During the preliminary safety drill, I did not pay attention to the hostess because: ( ) Eight pounds to get into this bloody place? What kind of entrance fee is that, to see a bunch of old pictures and a grotty deer park? Eight pounds? ( ) Was that when I was in your distressingly antique loo? ( ) I didn't really think that we were going to have to dash along the cinder path with several ravenous Rottweilers snapping at our heels. 3. I recall waiving any claims against Rottweiler bites when I signed the guest book. ( ) Yes. ( ) Yes, you do. 4. The collection of rare British spittoons was fascinating because: ( ) I simply had no idea that so many of the things existed. ( ) Er, fascinating? It was? ( ) Good lord, how much does this family spit? 5. When we were dropped into the oubliette and our wallets and purses were taken: ( ) I thought at first it was some vivid, though slightly warped, form of Living History. ( ) Are we getting those back, by the way? ( ) You bloody bastards. I'll sue the pants off your arses. 6. I recall waiving any claims against thuggery and fisticuffs when I signed the guest book. ( ) Yes. ( ) Yeah, yeah, yeah. 7. True or false: I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Sir Charles Grandiose himself. ( ) True. ( ) Do you mean he's still alive? 8. When we accidentally interrupted young Penelope Windsor-Smythe performing eurythmics in the garden: ( ) My first impulse was to throw a horse blanket over the poor naked young gyrating thing. ( ) I thought, 'Wow! What a hottie!' ( ) Who is that girl's plastic surgeon? 9. The Lady Felicia Grandiose: ( ) Really shouldn't have thrown that full bedpan out the window at us. ( ) Was that the same iceberg that sunk the Titanic? ( ) How many times are these people going to set those Rottweilers on us? 10. I only fell in the ha-ha because: ( ) Who expected a buggery eight-foot drop in the middle of the park? ( ) That rampaging deer looked rather rabid. ( ) Who is that girl's plastic surgeon? 11. I plan to return to Blandsdown: ( ) Soon, very soon. ( ) Roughly coincident to a time when the Spice Girls are knighted. ( ) The chances of hell freezing over are slightly greater.   Serious writes: Sir Charles, Being, as you are, a beacon of light to those of us lacking in wisdom and social grace, I feel compelled to ask you how you possibly cope with the horde of the adoring, who must surely lay siege to your delightful home. Why, only today my wonderful fiancee, Fleur, mentioned that when she hears your name, she feels so overcome with excitement that the footman must help her to her bedroom! So, even though we, your minions, will never have the opportunity to cope with such adoration, please do tell us your technique for dealing with your admirers. Your humble servant, Sir Jeremy Keynes. P.S. Fleur sends her love, and asks if you could possibly visit her family's humble home of Codford Castle. She says she will probably be so excited that she may have to lie down as soon as you come! Sir Charles replies: Sir Jeremy, One has certainly noticed one's effect upon what we may politely call The Ladies. One enters a room, and off they go, scuttling to the far side of the chamber, holding their noses. One supposes they are frightened that if they so much as whiffed one's masculine aroma, they would fall deeply and irretrievably into an unrequited love. Indeed, one can remember several parties in the country at which the hostess, her daughters, the other female guests, and the maids spent entire weekends in their bedchambers. A more paranoid man might think they were avoiding one. And just when one had brought several volumes of one's boyhood poetry to share, too. With regards to Fleur, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Monica writes: Dear Sir Charles, Due to a highly publicized and most unfortunate set of circumstances, my current job opportunities in America seem to have petered out. I wonder, might you be enlarging your staff? If so, I would like to be on it? I am very friendly, am experienced in affairs of state, and can assume almost any position you require. Monica L. Sir Charles replies: Dear Monica, Many are called, but few are chosen, to sit on the staff of Sir Charles Grandiose. A general tip, however. A potential employer always looks for someone with a clever, skillful tongue. One suggests that a little work upon your oral skills, my girl, will make all the difference. In this day of modern technology, it is easy to find a friend with a tape-recording device who might help you familiarize yourself with how you sound to others. And remember, practice makes perfect. Thanking Miss L. for her interest, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Mad! writes: Dear Sir Charles, I am sad that Penelope has not answered my letters. Is she too busy eating bon bons to reply to me? This is what she looks like after eating all those bon bons! Mad! Sir Charles replies: Dear quite, quite mad, How pleasant it is to know that one is reaching one's target demographic of brain-stunted ten-year old boys fed nothing but preservative-rich Wonder bread and processed sugar, and raised by parents whose entire exposure to the world of Culture and Fine Arts went no further than repeated viewings of The Poddington Peas on the Saturday Morning telly. Ever grateful for the correspondence, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose