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January 12, 1998

Grandiose Travel, Ltd. A subsidiary of Sir Charles Grandiose Enterprises presents All-Expense Paid Grandiose Tours: The Ultimate in Travel Luxury All expenses to be paid by you. Tours do not include airfare, carfare, busfare, food, clothing, vaccinations, gratuities, visa, petrol money, or pennies for the loo. Tour now available for Snorkeling Greece (sold out) / Theatre Weekends in London (sold out) / Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta Festivals in Jolly Weston-Super-Mare (cancelled due to catfights amongst the sopranos) and Country Weeks in Fishampton, -----shire! Yes, you could be relaxing deep in the quiet, warm heart of ----shire in the pleasant and quaint town of Fishampton, guests at the luxurious Codd-Pease Inn--a quaint Queen Anne structure surrounded by fragrant flowers and herbs--where Mr Codd and Mrs Pease will attend to your every whim. Bed linens extra. Some whims not included. Consult local regulations before even opening your mouth to mention a whim. Spend your days on quaint country walks and see the landscape upon which Sir Charles Grandiose himself walked as a lad. Dine upon authentic British breakfasts and teas, and see the fascinating sights of Historic Fishampton, including the Home of the 1967 Upper Juniors County Spelling Champion, the Fishampton Antique Doily Museum, and every tourist's favourite spot, the Fishampton Stationer's Shoppe, where jolly Mrs Beake will remove her teeth upon request for an imitation of the Queen Mum. Grandiose Travel, Ltd., is not responsible for the misapprehension that the word 'antique' might refer to tea doilies over ten years of age. Look it up if you don't believe us. Grandiose Travel, Ltd., is also not responsible for soiled pants caused by Mrs Beake's imitations. P.S. Hope you like all your food, including your toast, boiled. At night, strap on your disco shoes and join Fishampton's 'Smart Set' to dance the night away at one of our world-famous nightclubs, where you'll find the likes of Kylie Minogue, Elton John, and the Spice Girls performing nightly! Any similarity between our world-famous nightclubs and any of the following is purely coincidental: 1) A pub filled with quite pungent pig farmers, 2) A cow barn decked out with crepe paper, and 3) An unlit manure shed. Kylie Minogue, Elton John, and the Spice Girls appear courtesy of BBC Radio, turned down low so as not to interfere with conversations about spitting, drinking, and urination. If you're a lover of the arts, you'll not want to miss our dramatic theatrical performances and concerts, which often occur nightly! Theatre performances consist of drunken arguments outside the Swine and Dandy Pub. Concerts usually provided by Edna Thistle, Mrs, after she ties a few on. If it's fresh-air country living you crave, come to the heart of the country. Come to Fishampton! Lawsuits against Toxico Nuclear Waste Disposal Co. pending. Offer void where prohibited. We reserve the right to cancel your tour and disappear without a forwarding address. Blushing writes: Dear Sir Charles, I am soon to be married and need advice, for I am quite inexperienced at domestic matters. I attempted to get the information I needed from Mummy, but all I managed say was, 'Mummy, as you know I am soon to marry my betrothed, and being quite inexperienced at matters of a domestic sort, I wondered if you might have some advice?', whereupon she dismissed me with a wave of her hand and said, 'Just close your eyes and think of England. That's all I have to say about the matter!' I was attempting to ask her for hints on how to insure a successful fork luncheon, for I shall be hosting such an event for my numerous bridesmaids. Mummy has a reputation for being enigmatic as well as cryptic, but I feel she left out several important steps that I need to know. Can you, Sir Charles, help me? (Word has it that your wisdom is so vast that were it a river, it would quite overflow its banks, completely wash away several villages, and leave behind nothing save a great deal of debris and a prodigious stench.) Blushing Bride-to-be in Brideshead Sir Charles replies: My dear young lass, Obviously your mother is quite a patriotic woman. One believes that her inspirational advice is intended to make her daughter face any situation with a brave heart and a courageous countenance. Close your eyes and think of England! What images such an imagining conjures. The Tower of London, tall, hard as rock, an erection no man may pull down from its prominent height. The Chunnel, with its trains plunging in and out, in and out, in and out of its dark, moist depths. And the idyllic fields whereupon lonely shepherds frolic nightly with their soft, compliant sheep. Of course, what any of this has to do with a fork luncheon is beyond one. Still thinking of the Chunnel, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Christie writes: I have just turned 16 years old. In all my 16 years I have found nothing to live for. Is there anything to live for? Christie Sir Charles replies: Dear girl, One cannot completely answer the question, of course, without supporting information. Are your parents titled? Are they of the upper income brackets? Not, of course, that one is implying that there is nothing to live for, among the common folk. There are the television serials, of course, and the horse races, and for our readers across the Atlantic, the weekly knife and gun shows. And if nothing else convinces the correspondent that nothing is worth living for, week to week, one has five simple words to share: Advice from Sir Charles Grandiose. Just do us a favour, Christie. Don't breed. Wishing the correspondent good day, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Pierre writes: Mon chere Charles, The holiday time of year has always been so difficult pour moi. The stress of gift giving always weighs heavy on my shoulders. Perhaps you could advise an old friend with his dilemma. My question is, should their be a differentiation between the gifts for the wife, the mistress and the girlfriends? Is a box of candy and a bauble enough? So often I hear the phrase, "Give it to me, Pierre." I cannot disappoint. Yet, one cannot overlook the significant financial benefits of buying in bulk. Giving till it hurts, Pierre DePue Sir Charles replies: Apprendez-vous, you petiteFrenchie, Perhaps it's all bon and good for you Continental types to have your wives, your filles des joie, your mistresses, and your Follies Bergeres. Perhaps you're used to telling your wife all about your day at work while your debauched perfumed mistress sits on the chaise lounge chewing on your baguette while the French maid runs about the room bending over in her short skirt exclaiming 'Oh la la!' Yes, one is sure that in your garlicky little homeland, one can toss frances and baubles about and have the women throw themselves at you in gratitude, and en dishabille. The rule in Angleterre, however, is decidedly different. The men still has to provide the baubles, and no one dishabilles themselves. More's the pity. Wondering about a package tour to France, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose