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September 26, 1997

More Official Sir Charles Grandiose Manners Cards Gentle readers, One hopes that you all will discreetly tuck a few of these cards away in your wallets, purses, or (heaven forfend) hatbands for those occasions in which your very sensibilities are outraged by horrid behavior, yet in which discretion requires closed lips, and a quick get-away from the parties in question. For the gentlewoman distressed by the leerings and catcalls of the common construction worker or garageman: For the mother or father of a small child who insists on changing the brat's nappy in public: For the cretin fond of public displays of flatulence: Colleen writes: My Dear Sir, Having perused your latest edition of hilarity, I had reason to pause over a small aside regarding one Prince of Wales and his auditory abundance. Perhaps you hadn't heard, but there was an incident regarding quick-dry glue and the "pinning back" as it were, of said abundance. Please, don't anyone try this at home. A most unfortunate incident ensued whereas the Prince and a companion of the female persuasion where enjoying a candle lit dinner for two, when, with an audible swoosh, the aforementioned glue gave up the good fight and the Prince's ears sprang to attention! Such a gust prevailed that one of the candle fell over and a fire ran rampant at Buckingham Palace, where several thousand dollars worth of artwork was destroyed. And the rest, as they say, is history. Jolly fun lot, those Royals. With regards, Colleen Sir Charles replies: My dear Irish lass, Oh, what Miss 'Kitty Kelley' would have given for your assistance. To think that the juiciest rumours up with which she could come alleged the involvement, during the procreation of our current Queen and her sister, of an instrument known as the 'turkey baster.' As if we couldn't already tell by their buttery aroma and crispy skin. Hungrily, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Earnest writes: Dear Sir Charles, I am in the eleventh grade at General Cornwallis High School here in Fairfax County, Virginia. In Social Studies, we are now studying the American two-party political system. It seems that politics in America is dominated by two parties, the Democrats and the Republicans. I was wondering what kind of politics you have in Britain. Here, the Democrats have traditionally stood up for the rights of the poor, have been liberal on social issues, and seek engagement with the world at large. However, these noble goals have been somewhat sidetracked lately due to a crisis in leadership - several top Democratic Party leaders, such as Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy, have become national laughingstocks due to their propensity to overeat and difficulties in keeping their rather oversized trousers on. The Republicans, on the other hand, are clearly on the ascendancy. They have traditionally been champions of economic prosperity, low taxes, and strong national defense. According to my teacher, they have been ably led by principled statesmen, such as Newt Gingrich, Strum Thurmond, Alphonse. . . . Oh, never mind about America, that's not my question. Besides, I kind of lost my train of thought back there. Anyway, can you explain British politics to me? I assume that, being a much older country than the U.S., politics isn't nearly as important as principle, and that your national leaders (the Prime Minister and Whatnot) are distinguished men of great vision, with one foot firmly in the future, and the other solidly planted in the distinguished traditions of the past. Also unlike America, I assume British politicians have no need for "spin doctors", pollsters, political strategists, and expensive hairstylists. Looking forward to your words of wisdom, Earnest Student Sir Charles replies: My boy, Spot on, old chap. That is, you certainly got the part about the dearth of expensive hairstylists correct. Have you taken a gander at the Prince of Wales lately? Save for the House of Lords, which has long been ruled by the truest of Britons, the British political system is rife with corruption and rot, from the local councils to the constitutional monarchy. For example, take the entire Labour Party. Please. How should we correct this state of affairs? One has a simple plan. Remove the constitution from the constitutional monarchy. Our rulers over the past century have been enervated by the lack of anything to do except conduct affairs and collect bouquets from the adoring crowds. Let the Queen order a few beheadings of public servants! Oh-ho, that would keep folk on their toes. No more waiting in queue to purchase a simple thruppence stamp for twenty minutes, if the clerk realises that her head could be on the block! And whatever happened to the privilege of the landed gentry to organise their own private armies? Those were the day when men were men, and Kings were Kings, unless they were Frenchies. That's what one thinks. With conviction, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Ashamed writes: Dear Lady Felicia, HELP ME!!! I have a real hair problem and I'm not talking about the hair on my head. It is my legs. I started shaving them when I was about 15 and now I can't stop because they get sooooo hairy if I don't do them at least every three days. I don't know what to do because my boyfriend hates hairy women. He is a great guy, don't get me wrong but he loathes hair on women. I can't shave anymore that every few days because my legs get really sore and itchy. Because I don't live with him he doesn't know about my hair problem but he is talking about moving in together and as much as I want to I know that he won't take kindly to knowing that he is dating an ape. What can I do? Ashamed The Lady Felicia replies: Dear girl, One admits to requiring the assistance of smelling salts after reading your missive. Leg hair? On a Lady of Quality? One shudders at the very thought. When I first put on my quality Lady Prudence Circulatory and Aesthetic Wonder Support Stockings on the day after I completed my O levels, I relaxed like any Lady of Quality, certain that if any such growths germinated, I would have felt it under them beneath the Wonder Stockings' silky massaging grip. One has no better advice than to be open and honest. Admit to your young suitor that he is dating an ape. Then the two of you will have something in common. Serenely, one remains Lady Felicia Grandiose