The Library | Write to Sir Charles | Cast of Characters | Credits | This Week

May 2, 1997

One often finds, with servants and the like, that they do not learn their lessons immediately. Oh, they go about their duties with cow-like eyes, pretending obedience. But they do not truly learn. And thus, in the stead of new lessons in etiquette this week, let us review some of the past lessons we have learned, from Everyone's favourite baronet, Sir Charles Grandiose Ashamed and in Love writes: Dear Sir Charles: Lately, I have become aware of quite an embarassing problem. I seem to have fallen in love with my rabbi. He has been a kind and dear friend of mine for quite some time now and I feel that this silly schoolgirl crush is extremely silly. I can't control how I feel so what should I do? Cordially signed, Ashamed and in Love with a Rabbi Sir Charles replies: Madam: Despite one's initial reaction of utter revulsion to such a confession, one is attempting to exercise understanding. After all, did not young Penelope Windsor-Smythe (who is, if one has not of late reminded one's readers, eighty-fifth in line for the throne) pass through such a phase in her youth? It seemed that for several years horses were all she could think of--the girl wore her jodphurs to the breakfast table, rode all day and afternoon, and talked of nothing but her pony at the dinner table. Although she still rides today, the mania for horses was merely a phase, of course. But madam, a horse is a practical animal. It provides both sport and transport. Can one really say the same for a coney? Much like the Prince of Wales, the common hare does little but nibble at carrots, wiggle its enormous ears, and breed. Ah, he may have been a true friend, and a loyal pet. But can the correspondent honestly fall in love with a creature of such a short lifespan, which might quite honestly be put to better use in a spring stew, or as a velvety fur muff? One advises the correspondent to reflect upon these words of wisdom given her by Sir Charles Grandiose Lee writes: Dear Sir Charles, Forgive me for being frank, sir: You're bonkers! Sincerely, Lee Sir Charles replies: Unwashed Heathen: One is somewhat like an elastic substance (whether man-made or naturally-occuring is of no import) that, when it meets an opposing force, absorbs it and, in some cases, even bounces it away. The correspondent, on the other hand, may be compared to a viscous mucilage of dubious origin. Whatever observations the correspondent might fling towards oneself, in the overrated name of 'frankness,' rebound from oneself and adhere to the correspondent. Having adequately expressed one's sentiments in the patois of the simple folk, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Jittery writes: Dear Lady Felicia, Please help me with a delicate situation. I have become betrothed to a man (after a lengthy engagement, as only befits a Lady of Quality) but am now wondering, as the Wedding Date approaches, if I have not, perhaps, entered into an arrangement where I will be marrying beneath myself. Tell me please, dear Lady; is this merely normal premarital jitters, or are my concerns perhaps valid? Jittery in Jersey The Lady Felicia replies: My dear girl, Of course you are marrying beneath yourself. All women do. Serenely, one remains Lady Felicia Grandiose Pierre DePew writes: Mon Amie, As you know I pride myself in representing only the highest quality erotic art. But, pour moi, any degree of success can only be measured by one thing, "satisfaction du client". I owe a tremendous sense of gratitude to you for letting a select few of your intimate friends know of my service. Your suggestion of "giving that garlicky little Frenchman a ring", has resulted in a beaucoup sales and satisfied customers, ma raison d'etre. So, it is with the heaviest of hearts I now must write to you and tell of my failure. I have not been able to obtain a first edition copy of Maid For Pain as you requested. I regret to inform you that the limited edition was a sell-out. You may reserve an autographed copy of Maid For Pain II, the second volume in the trilogy. I am acquainted with the author and he tells me it should be done by Friday. S'il vous plait, respond tout de suite, as you know one must act quickly when dealing with these exclusive limited works of art. As always, I remain humble servant, Pierre (Pepi) DePew Sir Charles replies: Bun jeer, you odious petit poofster, Je do not comprende non but le Queen's English, which ought to be bon enough for toot le frogs en France to comprendez, given that you'd sell your cordon bleu little souls for a British pound note. En le future, un requests that vous write un avec la plume de ma tante only in a language that un can comprehend. Disgustedly, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Postscript: Le autographe had best be authentique. Danny writes: Dear Sir Charles, My problem is I am trying to get this girl to like me what is your best (as always) advice? Danny in Duluth Sir Charles replies: Sirrah, Normally one would suggest those things that a Lady would cherish. A bouquet of posies, plucked at dawn, and proferred with a shy smile and a gentle compliment at the annual Midsummer's Morning Melon Madness Champagne Breakfast. A pressing of the hand, beneath the moon, in the grape arbor. Why, even letting the young lady win at croquet! However, considering the obvious social class (or lack thereof) of the correspondent, one instead suggests rubbing a meat pie over your body and catching the poor huzzy between meals. Dismissively, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose