Picture: From the Sir Charles Grandiose Archives

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December 13, 1996


of the Society of Baronets (S.O.B.)

Northeast Division

Eleventh of December, the year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Six

Courteously hosted by the Hotel St. Claret, Little Bumpford

In Attendance:
Sir Garrett Featherstonehaugh, Bart., Wickets, Little Bumpford;
Sir Evelyn Marquet, Bart., Stone Manor, Stonehampton;
Sir Enid Bottomblossom, Bart., Trefoil, North Waughford;
Sir Alec DeVin, Bart., Rather House, Wyllewyn;
Sir Bradley Staubes, Bart., Landelier, Cludon.
Very Tardy: Sir Charles Grandiose, Bart., Blandsdown, Fishampton.

Item the First: It is moved that the afternoon's entertainment, selected by Sir Charles Grandiose, be dismissed. It is generally agreed upon by the S.O.B. membership that the Brompton String Quartet is a more appropriate choice for future entertainment than the Filles du Danse Hotsee-Totsee, no matter how highly they were recommended for their 'artistic' interpretation of the Coronation of Queen Anne. The motion is carried. For: 5. Against: 1 (Sir C.G.)

Picture: Sir Alec DeVin SpeaksItem the Second: Sir Bradley Staubes brings up the issue of the Baronetic Cricket League Matches, tabled from the last meeting. He speaks eloquently of the concussion his elderly gamekeeper suffered after wandering inadvertently upon the green at the pitch of Sir Charles Grandiose. Sir Charles Grandiose makes the motion that commoners upon the green should be shot at with fowling pieces stuffed with rock salt and the occasional bullet to keep them on their toes. There is no second. Sir Alec DeVin suggests that future matches be played in public fields. Sir Enid Bottomblossom requests more whiskey. Sir Charles Grandiose makes the motion that commoners upon the green be strung up by their thumbs and horsewhipped. There is no second. Sir Evelyn Marquet makes the motion that commoners straying upon the greens during S.O.B.-sponsored cricket matches be gently reprimanded and asked to step aside. The motion is carried. For: 4. Against: 1 (Sir C.G.) Abstentions: 1 (Sir E.B., in the loo).

Item the Third: It has come to the attention of Sir Garret Featherstonehaugh, Bart., that a certain member of the S.O.B., Northeast Division, has been writing shocking, lurid letters to the Honourable Sarah Ferguson, asking her to, quote, "shuck it like a corn husk, pretty princess, and shake your stuff", unquote, for the scheduled July meeting of the S.O.B. Sir Garrett requests that the Northeast Division vote to censure Sir Charles Grandiose for said invitation. Sir Evelyn Marquet inquires if the lady accepted the invitation. Sir Enid Bottomblossom requests more whiskey. Sir Bradley Staubes wonders if Prince Andrew might be invited to perform in her stead. The motion for censure is defeated. For: 2. Against: 3. Abstentions: 1 (Sir E.B., unable to raise hand).

The meeting is interrupted when Miss Darla Delight of the dismissed Filles du Danse Hotsee-Totsee inquires into a missing pasty of sequins and fringe. The article is at last spied protruding from the jacket pocket of Sir Charles Grandiose, is confiscated, and returned to its rightful owner.

Item the Fourth: Sir Evelyn Marquet inquires into the misuse of funds for the S.O.B. library. One of the membership apparently cancelled the S.O.B. order for a hand-tooled, leather-bound editions of the complete works of Dickens and Thackeray and ordered, in their stead, a variety of miscellaneous titles, including Maid For Pain III: Scullery Scamps, The Story of Oh!, and Cruising for a Bruising: A Naughty Romp of Queen Victoria's Missing Years. Sir Evelyn insists that the culprit confess immediately. There is a long silence, punctuated with many telling stares at the S.O.B. from Fishampton.

The meeting is again interrupted by the arrival of an oversized pink cake, perhaps five feet in height and four in width, of a suspicious nature. Inscribed in icing upon the outside are the words, 'Oi, Baronets!.' Sir Garret Featherstonehaugh idly remarks that if any young ladies, clad or unclad, happened to pop from the top of the confection, the party found to be responsible would be expunged from this, the oldest of the chapters of the S.O.B. Sir Charles Grandiose hastily volunteers to escort the cake from the premises. By sheer accident, the door is firmly locked and double-locked behind him.

Item the Final: To the accompaniment of much beating upon the door from without, Sir Bradley Staubes makes the motion that Sir Charles Grandiose not be notified of future dates or places of meeting. The motion is carried. For: 4. Against: 0. Abstentions: 1 (Sir E.B., passed out).

The meeting is adjourned and the members escape through the windows.

Picture: The Seed of Discontent Blossoms in the Fertile Valley of Envy

Working Mother writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

One income only going so far these days, I've taken it upon myself to obtain employment in order to provide our family with the extra little things so necessary to life. Cable TV, a karaoke machine, you know. Unfortunately, even my income can't give my daughter all the things she needs to compete with her wealthier classmates. They've got all the latest clothes, all the gadgets, all the games.

What can I do to keep up with them?

Thank you,
Working Mother

Sir Charles replies:


The best thing a mother of your common class can do for her daughter is to instill a sense of satisfaction and contentment for her lowly state. After all, if the girl is able to keep up with her betters, what is the sense in them being her better in the first place?

I suggest this lovely prayer, to be said each night before retiring. One wrote it oneself.

A Common Girl's Prayer

By Sir Charles Grandiose

Dear Lord, on my knees I do pray thee tonight
And ask you to show me the bright glorious light
(Those rainbow-like lights, as if seen through a prism):
Make me accepting of Social Darwinism.

Not mine, fancy dolls, for Santa to bring
I'll happily make do with a stick and a string.
And when richer girls walk by in silks fine and madcap
I'll gratefully finger my dress made of burlap.

School's for the rich kids, math makes my head flip-flop
Besides, who needs Chaucer to work in a chip shop?
But thank you Dear Lord for my ten fingers proper
It gives me some spares to lose in the fish-chopper.

I know I'll not marry a man above my station
But I'll try, Girl Guide's Honour!, to avoid fertilization
This won't be a surprise, O Lord soft and sweet
But we commoners mate like coneys in heat.

So bless me, Dear Lord, and I ask you to stay
Close by me forever, and shield me, I pray
From all false desires that the merchants foist on me
And keep me a Common Girl, preten-si-on free.

A lovely composition, if one does say so oneself. How it brings a tear to one's eye.

Sentimentally, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Kandy writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

Might I ask your opinion on long-distance relationships? Good or Bad and how long distant is NOT good.

Kandy Cane

Sir Charles replies:

My dear Miss Cane,

On the contrary, one firmly believes that a 'long distance relationship,' as one believes they are called, are the best sort. One encourages you to begin one immediately. The very moment you have finished reading one's responses, in fact. The fellow should be no less than 3000 miles away. And you must never, ever, attempt to meet him in person. In this way, you see, you will be unable to procreate with the chap, and thus the world will be spared from the inevitable 'Sugar' Cane, 'Kandy' Cane Jr., and other misnamed little citizen Canes.

This plan, of course, requires that the correspondent remain faithful to the chap, over all those miles. A vain hope, perhaps, given the odds. But one is an eternal optimist.

Still shuddering, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Picture: And Walking's What They'll Do

Sarah writes:

Dear Lady Felicia,

I am writing to you on a social matter. I was asked to be a part of a Gathering of Ladies who, when having somewhat a bit to drink and Eat, start telling each other the mishaps of other fellows neighbors (I have been the latest topic of this kind of talk) and when it was all said and done I was given the boot. As I was leaving, I was even snubbed by the hostess! How does one handle her letter to the hostess the next day? What should be done here?

Thank you for your time on this Matter.


The Lady Felicia replies:

My Dear Lady,

When you say you were given the boot, I assume you were given a pair. While this isn't a usual gesture from a hostess to the guest of honour, one will assume that one's correspondent moves in odder, and definitely lower, circles than oneself.

Unless one's correspondent has a particular allergy or aversion to the footwear that was proffered, one recommends the usual note of thanks to the hostess for the effort and thought that went into providing such a diversion on the previous day. Unless, of course, the footwear happened to be an open-heeled, high-heeled slipper with coloured feathers tacked upon it. Then one can safely snub the hostess in return, for her egregious lack of taste.

Serenely, one remains
Lady Felicia

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