The Library | Write to Sir Charles | Cast of Characters | Credits | This Week

28 April, 1995

One hears so much, in these days of radicalism, of the 'rights of the common man.' What, one asks, of the rights of the superior set? Even a hundred years ago one's grandpater could expect his grubby tenants to throw their rotund selves over a mud puddle should one wish to cross it unblemished. A most charming custom, yet rarely seen in these days. One rues the French revolution, one most certainly does. One remains, however, indubitably, Sir Charles Grandiose Needful writes: Sir Charles! I have luckily stumbled across your advice column and need your help! My problem may not seem serious to you, but to me it is a matter of life and death. I have over the past two years been surfing the internet, and, although I have had the fortune of finding many potential significant others, I just can't seem to reel one of them in. They've literally slipped through my fingers sometimes. I tried to meet them, and I even sent one of them a picture. She never replied, though she did compliment my good looks. Now I know that I am cute, because my mother has told me so many times, so looks can't be the problem. The only thing I can think of is that I am incredibly shy. This is why I'm writing to you in the utmost confidence and secrecy that you provide me. Please help me! You don't know HOW desparate I am! I NEED A WOMAN! Needful In New York Sir Charles covers his ears, pained, and replies: Sirrah: A short grammar lesson before one proceeds. One is quite doubtful that any woman has 'literally' slipped through your fingers. To do so, the lady in question would have to be liberally slathered in cooking oil or some other similar lubricant. And if that that is the sort of wench with which you cavort, sirrah, the following advice will undoubtably fall upon deaf ears. It is probable that a shy chap, such as yourself, will not proceed much further in your courtship without a letter of introduction. Like so many other niceties, the letter of introduction has been classified as antiquated, yet one finds it the surest means for an enterprising young man such as yourself to gain entry into the smartest of sets. One obtains a letter of introduction from an acquaintance of means or of background. The local fishmonger will not do; your vicar or a distantly related peer might do nicely, however. Ask them politely for a letter of introduction. When they complete it for you, have them seal it with wax. Resist the temptation to peek. It is most impolite. Present the letter of introduction to the parents of your lady friend. If the introduction suits, they will allow you to court their daughter, prize of their blessed union. One advises you against the temptation of asking your own mother for a letter of introduction. After all, the woman has told you many times that you are 'cute', and such a marked propensity for untruth will no doubt prejudice the letter in your favor. Ever glad to be of service, one remains, Sir Charles Cat Canoodler writes: Dear Sir Charles: I am in dire need of your excellent advice. I have already sent you a message on this subject; however, that lazy secretary of yours must have forgotten to relay it, for you made no reply. My problem is this: whenever I catch sight of a member of the species Felis domestica, I am inexorably reduced to cuddling and petting the animal, and speaking in mindless coos and babbles. I find myself unable to resist these urges, and my home is now infested with insects of the order Siphonaptera, or the common flea. Is this normal? Should I seek medical assistance? Cat Canoodler in California Sir Charles replies: Madame: One personally cares not for the household cat. Yet one is not so judgmental as to forbid others from caring for them. The sight of a young miss coyly playing with her sweet pussy has inspired many a man's rapt admiration. The infestation of vermin, however is a serious one, and will prevent you from intercourse with polite society. One recommends calling one's physician. Regular cupping may be in order, or the liberal application of leeches. When you have been drained of the impure blood that causes this strange disorder, you undoubtably will be too weak to pick up a feline, let alone allow one into one's boudoir. Which is as it should be. Wishing you a happy recovery, one remains, Sir Charles Personal to Seething in Cincinatti: Madame: Stilton or cheddar. Not processed cheese food. Never processed cheese food. Faugh! One hopes never to hear those words again. One disgustedly remains, Sir Charles