Gloomy writes:

Dear Mr. Charles:

I'm in a pickle. Nothing's going right! My dog was kidnapped...I think for scientific experiments...my boyfriend left me for some cheap chippie who wears too much makeup and very little clothing, and to top it off, I just found out I was pregnant and lost my job! I know very little about the area, and need some resources. Can you help?

Gloomy in Houston

Sir Charles replies:

Madame:

Really! The nerve of some people. One cannot stress more emphatically that one must learn how to address a titled emissary of good taste! Were one a more patient man, one would tell you that it is decidedly not 'Mr. Charles' at all! But as one is not, one shall leave you to wallow in your ignorance.

With the best of good wishes,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Randy writes:

Dear Sir Charles:

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. There's this girl, see, and she's gorgeous. I mean, not just attractive, but gorgeous. And she doesn't know I'm alive! I've tried all sorts of things--jewelry, serenades beneath her dorm window, stalking.... I'm desperate. If she doesn't respond soon, I'm going to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge! What should I do?

Randy in Richmond

Sir Charles replies:

Even the most reluctant of females cannot help but be impressed by the niceties of good breeding. A familiarity with the differences between a salad fork and a dinner fork should, as they say in the vulgar vernacular, do the trick.

With the best of good wishes,
Sir Charles Grandiose