Picture: From the Sir Charles Grandiose Archives

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December 10, 2001

Michelle writes:

Picture: Poor Loona of the MoorsDear Charles,

You are my last hope. i am serious about this and really am looking for a sign. I have been dating "Matt" for almost 2 years now. I love him very much and think he is the best lover and most handsome man i have ever seen. He just isn't around in my times of troubles and creates dragons he leaves me alone to fight.

Enter "Spark". He is an old friend who i have only been able to communicate with thru writing for the past 6 years. But now he is back and love is written all over his face.

If "Matt" was not in the picture i would be all about "Spark" but i fid myself wishing his adoring devoted heart was inside of "Matt".

Should i follow my heart and try to work things out with "Matt"? Or should i follow my mind and build my life with "Spark"?

Please help! 

Sir Charles replies:

Listen, you:

One's heartstrings are about as moved by a letter from a girl who desires a fellow who's had the word 'love' tattooed upon his cranium, as they would be moved by a performance entirely in Pig Latin of the children's dramaDick Whittington's Cat Gets A Little Pussy by the Players' Guild of Greater Little Lesser on the Thames. In the nude. Which is to say, very little at all.

However, a sign you look for, and a sign one gives you. Here you are: "STOP"

Washing one's hands of the affair, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Suzzy writes:

sir charles,

i have known many men biblelickly in the last year. i cant help myself. i just think im a friendly girl. is this wrong?


Sir Charles replies:

My dear girl whose name rhymes with 'Fuzzy,'

You sound like a very, very friendly girl indeed. Yes, a girl with gobs of friends.

And when you die after a friendly, friendly life, think of all the gentlemen friends who will regretfully attend your funeral. Yes, think of them, all crowded around that specially-built Y-shaped coffin made to accommodate your legs.

In a non-judgemental sort of way, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

New Husband writes:

Picture: May I Take Your Inseam, Sir?Dear Sir Charles,

I'm a newlywed in Nashua. I've only been married for three months, and it's getting on my nerves. What's the deal with not being able to live the way I want? For example, when I get home for the day, I like to take off my pants and throw them onto the back of the chair in the bedroom and let them air out a bit. But then in comes Sheila, my wife, and she's taking them down and putting them in the hamper and making the house all neat and clean.

What's the deal? Can't I leave my pants hanging? Can't a man live the way he wants?

New Husband In New Hampshire

Sir Charles replies:


If one has learned anything from several years as the advisor to the witless, it is this: In a marriage, the wife has the perfect right to take down her husband's trousers whenever the whim strikes.

With brevitude, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Sandra writes:

Picture: Squashed Like A Pancakedear sir charles,

i am a teen who is caught in between two men.  one of them is the one i love, and the other is just a crush, who i like a lot. what do i do?


Sir Charles replies:

My girl,

There is such a thing as being too polite. Merely excuse yourself, extricate yourself from between them, and ask them not to stand quite so close in the future.

Ever the gentleman, one remains
Sir Charles Grandiose

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