Picture: From the Sir Charles Grandiose Archives
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July 2, 2001

Picture: Tyger, Tyger, Carpet Bright

Baby Seal, Who Made Thee?
A poem by
Sir Charles Grandiose

Baby seal, who made thee?
O, baby seal, who made thee?
Skin so soft, luxurious, supple.
Of your gloves I'll take a couple.
Baby seal, who made thee?

Elephant, where art thou?
O, elephant, where art thou?
There seems to be an em-bar-go
Of ivory for my pi-an-o.
Elephant, where art thou?

Tortoise dear, why hide thee?
O, tortoise dear, why hide thee?
Your flesh is tasty in my soup
And your shell can be fashioned into an embroidery hoop.
Tortoise dear, why hide thee?

Tiger skin, so comfy!
O, tiger skin, so comfy!
Eye-catching whether on hat or on sari,
I'll hunt you down and catch you on safari.
Tiger skin, so comfy!

Animals, where be ye?
O, animals, where be ye?
While I was dressing, I must have blinked.
For then I turned--you were all extinct.
O animals, where be ye?

Picture: Every American Owns OneWorried Celebrity writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

I can't give you my name, because I'm rather famous. Let's just say that some of your readers (who are legion) might recognize me from appearances I've made.

Sir Charles, as a celebrity yourself, I'm certain you worry about your personal security. Do you employ bodyguards? Do you find them effective? I'm considering one myself, but I worry about the extra expense.

Thank you for your time.

Worried Celebrity

Sir Charles replies:

My dear celebrity,

One cannot be too serious about one's personal security when one has a certain standing. To solve one's own problems, one has been assigned one's own military attaché, Private John Thomas Potts.

One's John Thomas is ever at attention, trembling and quivering. He is e'er ready to attack. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year he is alert and ready, never slumping to a position at ease.

And likewise, one feels that one can never give too little attention to one's Private Potts. One drills one's Private Potts constantly. Of course, the correspondent should remember that one's Private Potts can never receive enough washing and grooming.

Overall, one must express a deep satisfaction for one's Private Potts. Naturally, the fellow could be a little taller, but he really gets in there and does the job well.

Hoping that one has persuaded the celebrity to acquire a ready John Thomas of his own, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Roger writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

A friend of mine wants me to sign a contract in blood. How does one go about such a thing? Do I need to cut off a fingertip? A whole finger? A toe?

Waiting anxiously,

Sir Charles replies:

Dear Roger,

Nay, lad. You need not cut off a finger. A little prick will do.

Crossing one's legs firmly, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Picture: A Marriage of IdiotsUndecided writes:

Sir Charles,

I'm stymied. I have no idea what to get a couple I know for their wedding present. I've been friends with them both for years, and they already have everything they could possibly use, so they're asking for nothing but high-end items that are way out of my price range. I'm looking at their damned Pottery Barn gift registry and thinking to myself, "There's no way in hell I'm buying a $3,000 leather sofa for them!"

Is it acceptable to deviate from the registry (and purchase something nice, but considerably less than $3,000), or is this a social faux-pas?

Hoping you can help,

Sir Charles replies:

My dear undecided,

Although the wedding gift registry is intended to be a helpful device to guide one's friends and family in the selection of their gifts so that the forks and spoons and plates match, some greedier components of our society, when uniting themselves in love, regard it as a tool to blackmail their loved ones into forking over the contents of their bank accounts. Such has a simple ceremony turned into the fine art of highway robbery.

Feel free to select your own tasteful gift, my dear.

Might one suggest the gift of a new hobby for the bride and groom? On one's own wedding day, years ago, one received a fishing rod and reel. Many are the days when one likes to haul out one's wedding tackle and have a go at it.

With deepest respects, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

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