Advice from Sir Charles: May 28, 2001

May 28, 2001	Mrs. Crandling writes: Dear Sir Charles, I am an eighty-two year old great-grandmother of six, and still reasonably spry. Still, I read your column weekly. Fashion is such a mystery to me these days. I don't understand the things that young people wear these days. They seem salvaged from the dump. When I was a girl, we wore beautiful dresses, beautiful jewelry, and took pride in our appearance. Even women my current age took care with their appearance when I was a girl. But my grandchildren seem to think otherwise. They prefer to see me dressed up like an old frump, most of the time. For my birthday I dressed up in a beautiful blue gown and wore a beautiful old necklace with a pendant given to me by my mother. I walked downstairs, feeling like a queen, and my granddaughter looked at me and said, "Grandmama, that pendant is drawing attention to your breasts! No one wants to look at those! Why don't you put on that thing I gave you for Christmas!" The thing in question, Sir Charles, is a padded sweatshirt that makes me look like a sumo wrestler. Am I wrong not to swathe every inch of skin with clothing? If not a pendant, what can I wear between my bosoms? Awaiting your reply, Mrs. Crandling Sir Charles replies: Dear Mrs. Crandling, What can you wear between your bosoms? One senses that your granddaughter's answer might be, "Your navel." However, my dear, it might be said that the old fashions never die. Wear what you choose, flaunt your strengths, and never repent of your choices, if justly made. It is a motto held dear by Your faithful correspondent, Sir Charles Grandiose College Grad writes: Sir Charles, I can't believe the job market for college graduates today. I went to college expecting that I'd be given a good job after graduation, one that was commensurate with my education. But then I found out that personnel offices are full of people who, just because they have little to no education, like to keep us college graduates from achieving the salaries we rightly deserve. I finally found a job as a Facilities Technician at a local company, and despite the job title the first thing my boss (a high school graduate only!) did was to give me a mop and tell me to scrub the floors. Me! A college graduate with a 3.0 grade average! I was speechless, but I'd appreciate it if you gave me something to say next time so I'm prepared. Thanks, College Grad Sir Charles replies: Dear Arrogance Personified, After considering your training and experience, one has decided that probing questions such as, "What's this wet stuff in the bucket?" or "This mop thing . . . can you show me how it works, please, sir?" would certainly suit. Suggesting the college grad get used to it, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Soon-To-Be Shameless writes: Sir Charles: Okay, so I'm an exchange student in Paris, and it's just fabulous. Everything is so beautiful, and I love the French language. But I'm not really all that experienced in, you know, that stuff. L'amour. I've only gotten to first base! But Paris is just awakening feelings in me! I want to experience everything. But I want my first experience to be, you know, incredible. And memorable. Really memorable. So can you help? How can you tell when a Frenchman is well hung? Soon-to-be Shameless Hussy Sir Charles replies: Dear Hussy, You can always tell a Frenchie is well-hung when only the very tip of your index finger can slip between his neck and the noose. Always the definitive authority, one remains, Sir Charles Grandiose Blushing Bride writes: Dear Sir Charles, I fear for my marriage. My husband and I were married last spring. My husband and I are deeply religious and truly believe in the sanctity of marriage and therefore on the first night of our honeymoon I presented myself to him as a virgin. I was in a very sexy nightgown and expected to consummate our true vow. But then he just turned off the light and started to snore! I woke him up and demanded to know why he wasn't making love to me, and he said, "Because it's Lent." I've asked him repeatedly since then and it's always some excuse. Oh Sir Charles, what should I do? Desperately, Blushing Bride Sir Charles replies: Dear Mrs. Bride, For heaven's sakes, girl. Find out to whom he lent it and for how long! Tersely yours, Sir Charles Grandiose

Dear Sir Charles,

I am an eighty-two year old great-grandmother of six, and still reasonably spry. Still, I read your column weekly.

Fashion is such a mystery to me these days. I don't understand the things that young people wear these days. They seem salvaged from the dump. When I was a girl, we wore beautiful dresses, beautiful jewelry, and took pride in our appearance. Even women my current age took care with their appearance when I was a girl.

But my grandchildren seem to think otherwise. They prefer to see me dressed up like an old frump, most of the time. For my birthday I dressed up in a beautiful blue gown and wore a beautiful old necklace with a pendant given to me by my mother. I walked downstairs, feeling like a queen, and my granddaughter looked at me and said, "Grandmama, that pendant is drawing attention to your breasts! No one wants to look at those! Why don't you put on that thing I gave you for Christmas!" The thing in question, Sir Charles, is a padded sweatshirt that makes me look like a sumo wrestler.

Am I wrong not to swathe every inch of skin with clothing? If not a pendant, what can I wear between my bosoms?

Awaiting your reply,
Mrs. Crandling

Sir Charles replies:

Dear Mrs. Crandling,

What can you wear between your bosoms? One senses that your granddaughter's answer might be, "Your navel."

However, my dear, it might be said that the old fashions never die. Wear what you choose, flaunt your strengths, and never repent of your choices, if justly made. It is a motto held dear by

Your faithful correspondent,
Sir Charles Grandiose

College Grad writes:

Sir Charles,

I can't believe the job market for college graduates today. I went to college expecting that I'd be given a good job after graduation, one that was commensurate with my education. But then I found out that personnel offices are full of people who, just because they have little to no education, like to keep us college graduates from achieving the salaries we rightly deserve.

I finally found a job as a Facilities Technician at a local company, and despite the job title the first thing my boss (a high school graduate only!) did was to give me a mop and tell me to scrub the floors. Me! A college graduate with a 3.0 grade average! I was speechless, but I'd appreciate it if you gave me something to say next time so I'm prepared.

Thanks,
College Grad

Sir Charles replies:

Dear Arrogance Personified,

After considering your training and experience, one has decided that probing questions such as, "What's this wet stuff in the bucket?" or "This mop thing . . . can you show me how it works, please, sir?" would certainly suit.

Suggesting the college grad get used to it, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Soon-To-Be Shameless writes:

Sir Charles:

Okay, so I'm an exchange student in Paris, and it's just fabulous. Everything is so beautiful, and I love the French language. But I'm not really all that experienced in, you know, that stuff. L'amour. I've only gotten to first base!

But Paris is just awakening feelings in me! I want to experience everything. But I want my first experience to be, you know, incredible. And memorable. Really memorable.

So can you help? How can you tell when a Frenchman is well hung?

Soon-to-be Shameless Hussy

Sir Charles replies:

Dear Hussy,

You can always tell a Frenchie is well-hung when only the very tip of your index finger can slip between his neck and the noose.

Always the definitive authority, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Blushing Bride writes:

Picture: The Lady Felicia As Blushing Bride Dear Sir Charles,

I fear for my marriage.

My husband and I were married last spring. My husband and I are deeply religious and truly believe in the sanctity of marriage and therefore on the first night of our honeymoon I presented myself to him as a virgin. I was in a very sexy nightgown and expected to consummate our true vow. But then he just turned off the light and started to snore!

I woke him up and demanded to know why he wasn't making love to me, and he said, "Because it's Lent."

I've asked him repeatedly since then and it's always some excuse. Oh Sir Charles, what should I do?

Desperately,
Blushing Bride

Sir Charles replies:

Dear Mrs. Bride,

For heaven's sakes, girl. Find out to whom he lent it and for how long!

Tersely yours,
Sir Charles Grandiose