March 6, 2000
The Household of Sir Charles Grandiose
Position for which you are applying? (Tick all that apply.)
I want to be on duty:
___ Twenty-four hours a day.
The concept of meagre rations in the servant's hall, one half-day off every other month, and minimal wages:
___ Suits me just fine, sir.
(Male applicants only) I would be willing, as my master's whim takes him, to bend over and take a swift kick in the bum, or offer it for impromptu target practice:
___ The moment my master asks it of me.
(Female applicants only) I think a short-skirted French maid's uniform:
___ Is the height of fashion, sir.
Essay question: What expensive gift would you buy your master at Christmastime, having saved up your salary throughout the year and borrowed the rest from your family? (500 words or less.)
Your personal philosophy can be summed up with the words:
___ A bit of brightly coloured muslin will fix
up this leaky garret in no time!
Do you require an old-age pension?
I am most alarmed, nay appalled by the influence your "advice column" has had on my sweet wife's behavior. Filling her head with rubbish you are! I've been married 25 solid years and what does a man like after a hard day? Just quiet and a bit of the telly.
Now she's telling me it would be exciting for me to experiment with new positions! All this while I try to watch the 11 PM News with flimsy underthings blocking my sight. Said she got all of these ideas from your column!
Do you have any idea, Sir, how many years it took me to gain this level of skill in Accountancy? And I should look for new employment on a foolish whim? As you have never worked a day in your life, I don't suppose you can understand how difficult it is to change positions. I am not as flexible as I once was!
Sir Charles replies:
Dear Mr. A.,
Women are always after their husbands to try a new position. As accountancy is a decent sort of work, for those who actually must, one would scarce advise abandoning it at your time of life.
If her flimsy underthings continue to obstruct your view, however, one suggests removing them from her. They always make a good mop-up for the rings left by the beer can, eh? And who knows what other chap might steal her away from you, in that state? The best sort of revenge, in such a situation, is to let him keep her.
Salvaging what one can out of a bad situation, one remains,
Dear Sir Charles,
I never thought I'd ask anyone for dating advice, but you seem to be an intellectual sort who might appreciate my problem. You see, I'm a scientist. A geologist to be precise. I enjoy spending my weekends not at the cinema or the bars or shopping, but out in the field. I enjoy exploring caves, and looking for deposits of sedimentary rock, and examining crystals under the microscope. It really can be fun!
But you see, Sir Charles, I don't think most people enjoy my hobby. And here's my problem, for I never seem to meet any eligible women in my profession. Do you think there are any women out there who like rocks?
Sir Charles replies:
My dear sir,
Excuse one while one stifles the yawning fit inspired by your fascinating inquiry.
There may be hope. If not for you, perhaps for some less-dedicated geologist in your position. For you see, one has always found women and rocks to be very similar. It's possible easily to skip over the flat ones.
Still yawning, one remains,
Dear Lady Felicia,
As a woman of fashion I am sure you know that more women these days would dress in fine clothing rather than in Gap t-shirts if they had the resources and wherewithal to make their own fashions. That's where you come in!
I'm leader of the Ottawa Lady Stitchers, a league of women devoted to creating high couture with our own God-given skills. And a needle and thread, of course. We are trying to enlist the aid of Society Women such as yourself to help promote our cause. Why should we buy our clothing when we can make them ourselves? The same goes for our hats, underthings, and footwear.
Do you sew, Lady Felicia? Could you join our cause and show others that the clothing you make with your own hands is just as good as that which you buy in the stores?
You wouldn't happen to cobble your own shoes, would you?
The Lady Felicia replies:
Of course I cobble. And I weave my own brocade. In my spare time, I reclaim thread from cast-off stockings and tat it into lace suitable for the poor unfortunates in the work-houses.
But the little project nearest and dearest to my heart is my modest herd of steer in the back parlour. My, the stories I could tell you about keeping them hidden from those pesky health officials! But I have my heart set on some rich and authentic Corinthian leather, which I will tan myself, and then soften with my own pearly teeth, to render it smooth and luxurious for a pair of riding boots.