Picture: From the Sir Charles Grandiose Archives

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February 21, 2000

The Fishampton Bureau of Tourism
Official Visitor Questionnaire

We at the Fishampton Bureau of Tourism thank you for your patronage, and in order that we might serve you better in the future, we ask that you take the time to fill out this questionnaire.

1. While in Fishampton, I visited these fine establishments of entertainment and cheer (check all that apply):

___ The Sir Charles Grandiose Memorial Statue
___ The Sir Charles Grandiose Tea Room
___ The Sir Charles Grandiose Medieval Tournament Re-enactment
        With All You Can Eat Buffet And Medieval Strumpets
___ The Sir Charles Grandiose Pub
___ The Sir Charles Grandiose Casino
___ The Sir Charles Grandiose Ye Olde Outsourcede Gifte Shoppe
___ St. Grandiose Church
___ The Siegfried and Charles White Tiglon Exhibit
___ The Sir Charles Grandiose Fun Fair
___ The Headcheese Hut

2. Where did you you stay while visiting beautiful Fishampton?

___ Hotel Grandiose
___ The Grandiose Arms
___ Grandiose Waterbed Palace (Note: Hourly rates do not apply)

3. Which of the following would you visit if it were to be built in the next year? (Check all that apply.)

___ Grandiose 2001: The Multimedia Experience
___ Grandiose Ground Zero: An Authentic Reproduction of the
        Bed in Which Sir Charles Grandiose was born
___ Headcheese Hut East

4. Did you visit Blandsdown, the home of local celebrity and Fishampton patron Sir Charles Grandiose?

___ Yes. (Please answer question 4A.)
___ What's with those visiting hours? Three to three-fifteen,
        every other Wednesday in June?
___ Are you kidding? Fifty quid a person?
___ I couldn't get past the slavering mastiffs patrolling the border.
        (Please answer question 4B.)

4A. Did you enjoy your visit?

___ Of course.
___ An unqualified yes.
___ Worth all fifty quid.
___ How come we only got to peep into the windows?

4B. Didn't you buy ample distractive bait from the Headcheese Hut (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Grandiose Enterprises, Ltd.?)

___ I wish I had, truly I do.
___ No, idiot that I am.

5. Did you attend any of our festivals? (Check all that apply.)

___ Colonel Jambly's Memoirs of the Raj Chutney Parade
___ The Parade of the Tavern Wenches
___ The Ladies Church League Annual Jumble Sale and
        Naked Bachelor Auction
___ The Winter 'Survival of the Fittest' Baby Toss
___ The Village Idiot Convention and Leaky Boat Launch

6. Will you be returning to lovely and entertaining Fishampton soon?

___ With pleasure!
___ The doctor says I have to in order to obtain the antidote to the
        debilitating chemicals in the headcheese, a potion only sold
        in the Sir Charles Grandiose Ye Olde Chemist's Shoppe.

Young Bride writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

I just got married a couple of months ago and it's been awful. After we got married everything changed. We hardly spend any time with each other, and when we do, we're always arguing. We argue about food, we argue about money, we argue about sex, we argue about having children. . . . I can't take it anymore!

You've been married a long time, Mr. Sir Charles. Please give me the secret of a happy marriage!

Young Bride

Sir Charles replies:

My poor girl,

Although one must frankly admit that one does not possess the secret for a happy marriage, for every instance of domesticity must find its own, one can certainly provide you with the secret for a long marriage: Never go to bed angry. Never, ever lie in the dark, seething until morning, over unresolved issues. My dear, never fall asleep angry.

Instead, stay up all night and fight.

Trust one, it will make every passing day seem very like aeons.

Still rubbing the emotional bruises, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Distressed writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

Whenever I have a question that only one of exquisite taste and breeding can answer, I know that I need only look to your column.  (Of course, I would never dream of associating with those not of genteel breeding.  I am a young and very impressionable lady and must be very careful with whom I associate.) 

To be quite shockingly blunt, I am in love.  The gentleman in question is a good friend, but nothing more.  He does not know of my  tender feelings for him.   What am I to do?  Should I tell him of my warm feelings?  Should I remain silent and hope he comes to his senses?  

I do not wish to ruin a wonderful friendship, yet I yearn for so much more.  Help me, please!  I do not know what to do. 

Papa and Mama have urged to me to consider several nice young men in the neighborhood, but I cannot stop thinking of my beloved! (In case you are worried, he is of course a gentleman, although I am sure he cannot begin to compare to you, Sir Charles, since you are the epitome of all that is good, kind, and aristocratic.)  Please, advise me on what to do so that I may be united with my love. 

I tremble in anticipation of your reply.

Distraught Damsel

Sir Charles replies:

Dear Damsel,

It is perhaps fortunate for your circumstance that we live in the Modern Age, when any young lady of quality can sit down at her escritoire, pen a gentleman a letter, and invite him to a social function. If you truly wish to attract this young man's attention, take the initiative to do so. He may be shy; he may simply be unaware of your interest in him. His response to a casual invitation to a mutual pleasurable public event, however, should give you a just measure of his interest in you.

One must warn against rushing into a serious relationship too quickly, however. When one inquired of young Penelope Windsor-Smythe the reason she has not yet set a wedding date with her beloved, the dashing Sir Colin Bates, she asked one in that delicate trill that well suits a young lass who happens to be eighty-fifth in line for the throne, "Do you not know the difference, Papa, between a boyfriend and a husband?" A number of answers came to mind--matters of responsibility, of duty, of affection and devotion and fatherhood. Then she fixed one with a gimlet eye and, looking one up and down, she said, "Three stone in weight. That is the difference."

One supposes she has rather a point.

With sincere good wishes, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Outraged  writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

The inequity of holidays is simply amazing. Fathers have Father's Day. Mothers are honored every year with Mother's Day. There's even a Grandparents' Day for old gits who didn't do a blessed thing to avail themselves of the honour. Even trees get Arbor Day.

But I ask of you, Sir Charles, what do the hard-working single men of this nation who provide so much of the tax base upon which the great public works of our nation are founded, what do we get? Zippo, that's what.


Sir Charles replies:

Dear Outraged,

Give over already. A single man such as yourself can enjoy Palm Sunday any time he wants.

A happily married,
Sir Charles Grandiose

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