Picture: From the Sir Charles Grandiose Archives

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January 10, 2000

Fishampton Television (A subsidiary of Grandiose Communications Enterprises, Ltd.)
presents its weeknight educational evening lineup
for the week of 10 January, 2000

Picture: Hello, Kitty!10 January, 2000
8:00 p.m.
When Good Pokemon Go Bad
Hosted by Anita Manceau-Baddeley. For mature audiences only. Highlights include the savaging of a young child by a rabid Pikachu; packs of wild Charmanders attack a retirement home for Hello Kittys. Also featured: A Pokemon safari to darkest Tokyo takes a tragic turn after Col. Edmund Braighsley ("Gotta catch 'em all! And mount their lifeless little heads in my study") meets up with mutant Pokemon in the wilds. Be sure to tune in for next week's special, Pokemon Bloopers and Practical Jokes.

11 January, 2000
8:00 p.m.
The Chauncey Grandiose Show
Chauncey adores the minuet, the Ballet Russe, and crepes Suzette. But Cholly's into Broadway tunes, circuit parties, Liza's croons . . . what a crazy pair! But they're cousins--identical cousins all the way. One pair of matching exquisite Dresden shepherdess bookends, and yet different as night and day. In this week's very special episode, Chauncey (Chauncey Grandiose) despairs as his coming out party is threatened with ruination when his cousin Cholly (Chauncey Grandiose) brings a friend from the wrong side of the tracks (Sarah Ferguson). Special guest appearance by Posh Spice.

12 January, 2000
8:00 p.m.
McKillian's Island
Weekly comedy of everyone's favourite seven castaways, who having expected a mere three-hour cocktail party at a smart country home, find themselves stranded indefinitely without a bit of caviar among them. In this week's episode, the Don (Kenneth Branagh) discovers that McKillian (The Prince of Wales) has the ability to write in the snow without a pen or pencil; the movie star (Posh Spice) and the rest (Emma Thompson) find themselves forced to abandon their tattered couture for off-the-rack garments.

13 January, 2000
8:00 p.m.
Movie of the Week: Mater, Shan't I Sleep With Danger?
The critics rave over this exciting new film, the first from Grandiose Productions, Ltd.: ". . . the most soporific substance . . . since laudanum!" (The Times). ". . . I was moved . . . to take up knitting as an alternative to television viewing!" (The Weekly Yowl). A young woman (Sarah Brightman) discovers that the husband she has assumed was an earl (Matt Damon) may in fact be . . . American. And a nose-picker. She takes refuge in the arms of a baronet (an uncredited but moving role by one of Britain's aristocracy, who prefers to let his exquisite performance remain anonymous), whose masculine suavity and British good sense bring back the colour to her cheeks, and put some red in her face as well.

14 January, 2000
8:00 p.m.
Rachel tells Russ she loves him; Russ considers his feelings for Danica; Danica strikes up a more intimate relationship with Cholmondeley. Sir Joey has an inane subplot involving a duck, a pint of molasses, and an old Beano.

15 January, 2000
8:00 p.m.
This gritty exploration of the dangerous urban crime beat includes the shakedown of a teen-aged perpetrator in Wapping suspected of stealing his sister's left-over curry from the refrigerator; the proprietor of a Camden Town sweets shop is suspected of illegally feeding cream to alley cats;  four geriatrics in Weston-Super-Mare are incarcerated for illegal wagering on a game of contract bridge in a public tea house. Adult themes; violence.

16 January, 2000
8:00 p.m.
By Jeeves, Who Wants To Be A Differently Stroked Brady in Outer Space?
A wealthy American father (Rob Lowe) with three teen heartthrob sons (Hanson) marries a beautiful English woman (Natasha Richardson) with three delicious teenage daughters (Christina Ricci, Britney Spears, Posh Spice) and a butler with a stiff upper lip (John Cleese).  Together they adopt a disadvantaged youth of ethnic extraction (Emmanuel Coleman). Their wacky talking pet skunk (Tim Curry) accidentally blasts the family into outer space, and comic mayhem ensues between tense rounds of multiple choice questions during which actual fans of the show can win a million dollars. Voted "Best Durned Hour of TV" in the Tuscaloosa Tribune.

Picture: Just A Bit Off The HemMarcia writes:

Sir Charles,

It seems a grave pity to me you're not more well known. I read you ever week, after all. But then it occurred to me--maybe you need more female interest in your columns! Perhaps make-up tips, or fashion reviews? How about a recipe for a nice sponge cake?

Your fan,

Sir Charles replies:

Dearest Marcia,

One is as likely to give fashion advice in one's weekly foray into the jungles of Sense and Sensibilities as one would be to take a wet nappy, tie it about one's neck, and demand a dinner from 'Taco Bell'.

However, one has quite a good recipe for an authentic sponge cake: Borrow all the ingredients.

Hoping that one has appealed to Female Interests, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Mike writes:

Dear "Sir Charles",

I have a hunch that you're not a real person, but I can't be sure. I really want to believe that you are real, and yet something in my gut tells me different.

Please--provide evidence of your tangibility to your gentle readers, so they can go on believing in all that is right and just with the world.


Sir Charles replies:

Dear 'Mike,'

One has a hunch that your grandmother and grandfather on your father's side were cousins, and that the grandparents on your distaff side were brother and sister. Furthermore, something in the 'gut' tells one that during gestation your mother ingested a variety of substances later proven to cause atrophying of the infant brain in laboratory animals.

One must thank you for more than ample evidence to prove these theories.

With a cheerful 'pip-pip!', one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

Picture: Our AnaximanderAnaximander  writes:

Dear Sir Charles,

You are so f**kin' funny. You are the f**kin' funniest f**ker I ever saw. How'd you get to be so f**kin' funny? My god you are a funny f**ker. You are the funniest f**ker I've ever f**kin' seen.

Gosh! I'm 'whelmed. Can't stop laffin' at your f**kin' funny stuff. I mean my god you are so f**kin' funny. F**kin' ha f**kin' ha, f**kin' ha, ha, ha! I mean really! I mean, I really mean this!

Yours in amazement,

Sir Charles replies:

O Loathsome One,

A pity that someone stopped the payment on your Reality Check, eh?

Dismissively, one remains,
Sir Charles Grandiose

The Library | Write to Sir Charles | Cast of Characters | Credits | This Week