Dear Professor Winslow,

Hi, remember me? I was in your class on Classics 201 (gods and goddesses and other old stuff). Remember? Once when I walked into your office you grabbed my head, looked in my ear, and said "Oh my, so that's where all the sea foam of Botticelli's Venus went." (Flattery will get you everywhere with me, that's my motto!)

Anyway, I'm in the employ of a English Baronet who runs an advice column, and there's an awful lot of Latin in this week's piece. Can you look at it and tell me if I've transcribed it right? My computer doesn't have Latin spell check, and he gets in an awful tizz if I screw things up. Thanks a lot!

V. Briceland
Secretary to Sir Charles Grandiose

Mr. Briceland:

Oh yes, I remember you. Oh yes indeedy. How could I forget. So you've managed to get yourself a job, eh? I suppose that's one office pool I've lost.

I've taken a gander at that letter you attached. If it weren't for the fact that it's on incredibly nice stationery, I'd suspect you were pulling my leg. Not that it would be out of character, now, would it?

Here, as follows, are some translations of the Latin that shouldn't unduly strain your dim understanding. I suspect you've garbled some of the transcriptions--dare I say, 'again'? They're worse than the so-called 'class notes' you'd produce in our office meetings. I know you were sleeping in my classes (and Mr. Briceland, I'd just like to state for the record that I never believed your story about 'midnight volunteer work for the homeless', although it would have been churlish to opine my suspicions that day in front of the Dean and several nuns).

"Ecce Magnitudinem!": Look at the size of that thing!

"Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra": I've got to buy some condoms. (Really, Mr. Briceland! Really! It's so out of context!)

"Apudne te vel me?": Your place or mine?

"Caput tuum in ano est": You've got your head up your ass.

Considering how badly you botched transcribing the phrases above, it came as no surprise to me that the phrases in the 'Vulgate' are totally incomprehensible and beyond my ken. I'm surprised you can hold down this job at all. Please do not come to me for a reference. Please do not mention my name in conjunction with your education. In short, you've risen to about the level I predicted for you in my comments on your abysmal final essay, The Harpies: Pre-Menstrual Prototypes or Fashion Victims? (We still talk about that one around the department, you know.)

Sincerely (and please do not write again),
Sheridan Winslow
Professor of Classics 'and Other Old Stuff'
The College of William and Mary
Williamsburg, Virginia